Here are your betchy weekly horoscopes for the week of January 19th- January 25th. You’re welcome.
This week Mars will enter your 12th house, which means you’re going to be feeling super creative. Be it art, music, writing, dance or whatever artsy shit you do, this is the time to focus on it. How you approach this boost in your creativity is up to you, and if you’re unsure you can just look to other Aries.
You could dabble in a little bit of everything like Pharrel, or you could throw your all into one art form, like Lady Gaga. Or you could try and incite a little international warfare, like James Franco. However you do it, just be sure to take advantage of this planetary shift. Once the inspiration is gone, it won’t be back for a while.
Taurus betches have been working hard to stick to their New Year’s resolutions, and we respect that. Hardwork has to be rewarded somehow, so this week you should try and relax a bit. Luckily for you this week marks the beginning of the end of the winter fucking hiatus, and all of our shows are coming back.
This more than anything would be ample reason to post up on the couch every night with a glass (bottle) of wine and lose yourself in hours of premiere week bliss. All CW shows are back this week, and really what more do you need than attractive people and questionable plot lines? That’s right, nothing.
Have you been a bit bored lately, Gemini? It’s winter, so your answer is probably yes. We highly recommend that this week, you change up your routine to get some excitement back in your life. The changes can be as big or small as you like, just change something. Example: today when you stop for your second mid-afternoon coffee break, try ordering something new. Flat whites are super delicious and super European, so you’ll look chic as fuck when you return to the office.
Want a bigger change? Switch from your evening workout class to an early morning one. You’ll want to die at first, but when you get out of soul cycle and realize it’s only 9:00 AM you’ll feel like a mature, healthy betch, which you can lord over all your friends for the rest of the day.
Think back, when was the last time you spent some solid bonding time with your family? Christmas doesn’t count, because it’s mandated and you were probably too drunk to remember most of it. This week, carve out some time to spend with the fam.
Pros: you’ll definitely get a free meal and nice alcohol out of it.
Cons: you’ll have to tell them about your life (which would be a solid time to practice your perfect lying skills). If you’re an adult betch and live away from your family, even better. Just throw in a hour long phone call to mom and call it a day. Drop a couple hints about how you’ve been living off of a box of easy mac for the past week, and there will be a care package in the mail within the next week.
If you’ve been waiting for some cosmic sign to end things with the guy you're seeing, consider this that sign. If you haven’t been waiting for that sign, but this still sounds like an intriguing idea to you, consider it anyways. Yes, winter is awful and Valentine’s day is around the corner, but that’s no reason to tie yourself to someone who sucks.
Toss this guy aside (in the nicest way possible since you’re using a horoscope to validate dumping someone) and then get back out there. With a little luck and a lot of cleavage, you could probably find a new guy before February rolls around.
Betches always strive to be interesting, because no one likes boring people. In order to continue working for this goal, this week you should consider picking up a new hobby. Obviously, there are guidelines here- knitting doesn’t fucking count. Or crocheting. Really, any kind of craft your grandmother would enjoy, avoid. Pro tip: pick a hobby that photographs well. It’ll give you some fresh Instagram fodder, that way you can make sure everyone knows how fun and well rounded you are.
As a Libra, you are probably the person in your friend group that people come to for advice. Be it your wisdom, or the that you’ve tricked everyone into thinking you have your shit together, people recognize your dominance.
This week, try taking a step back from that role and letting someone help you out for a change. It’s all good and well to always come across as the smartest of them all, but it can also be really fucking tiring. No betch is an island, even if it’s a super chic one like Ibiza. Next week you can reclaim your throne, but relish in this time to not have to listen to other people whine about their problems for a change.
Have your friends been flakey lately? Probably, because betches always are. However, it’s super annoying to be the one who gets flaked on for once. This week, when your bestie bails on your third coffee date in a row, put her in her place by going out with new people.
This doesn’t really count as branching out, because you are just using these new friends for revenge. When in doubt, take fellow Scorpio Kendall's (just Kendall) example. Her usual crew of models and whiny boy rappers weren’t answering her repeated group texts, so she said “fuck it,” and hung out with Corey Baxter instead. Questionable? Definitely. But she got an Instagram out of it, and really, what other reason do we go out for?
This week is the perfect time for you to make a boss bitch career move. All those months of Starbucks runs and gratuitous sucking up are about to pay off, and you should take full advantage of this opportunity. If given the chance, try changing things up and branching off into something new.
It can be scary because you’ll actually have to work for it, but the pay off will be huge. When you start to doubt yourself, look to fellow Sagittarius Vanessa Hudgens for inspiration. This week the news came out that she’ll be playing Rizzo in a live TV rendition of Grease, which makes sense because it’s the slightly grown up version of High School Musical. If Vanessa can risk her boho glam image by returning to her theatre roots, than you can do anything you set your mind to.
Happy Birthday month, Capricorn. Like a true betch, you have probably stretched your birthday into a week long celebration. We’re so proud. This year we challenge you to go even farther, and claim an entire month of special treatment and unapologetic partying. After all, you can only celebrate the anniversary of your 21st birthday for so many years until you have to start using real numbers again. Ignore the single digit temps outside, and rock your birthday suit all month long (do not go to work naked, we will not be responsible for you getting fired).
This is one of those weeks where you’re gonna need lots of caffeine and a clearly organized schedule. Aquarius betches have shit to do, and the best way to do it is with Starbucks in hand and a neat checklist written out in your Kate Spade planner. Being productive can be hard when it’s fucking freezing outside and your bed is warm, so set up a series of little rewards for motivation.
Went to the DMV to replace the license you lost while you were drunk last weekend? Go get yourself those shoes you’ve been wanting. Finally made it to the dentist after months of avoiding it? Grab a big bottle of wine and lose yourself in midseason premieres. Basically, get shit done but treat yo’self while you do it.
This week is the beginning of new things for you, Pisces. The stars have aligned for some positive changes in your life, so even if it seems kind of weird we recommend you just roll with it. Not to get all philosophical on you on a Monday, but life has a weird way of playing out and you shouldn’t question it because something good will come of it eventually.
Don’t believe us? Look no further than fellow Pisces, Victoria Justice. She had to suffer through years of poorly costumed Nickelodeon shows, but now she’s made it to the big leagues (MTV). Her new show, Eye Candy, will make you delete Tinder in a hot sec, but it’s worth adding to your list of guilty pleasures.