The Nordic Diet: Perfect For An Impending Blizzard

For those of you about to be snowed in for the next three days: BLESS. For those of you who will have to hear about it on all forms of social media unless by some miracle the servers freeze and are destroyed as a result of the impending snowpocalypse: double BLESS.

What better time, then, to explore the new phase of 2015: the Nordic diet. If you haven’t heard about this shit by now, Nordic people (Swedes, Danes, Norwegians, etc) are descended from Vikings and other seafaring peoples and have a made-up language with too many vowels (stop typing your Facebook statuses in old Norse, Marissa). These people are also usually thin, blonde, and hot. This diet can help with one of those things.


So, to put it in simple betch terms, Vikings and early Nordic betches ate a lot of protein. That means they weren’t scarfing down carbs or sugars unless it was necessary (like, if they couldn’t find any smoked fish that day).

 – The main components for the Nordic diet are fish, berries, nuts, and wild game – the kind of shit you’d make your bearded common-law husband find for you if you lived on a piece of ice in shitsville-nowhere hundreds of years ago. Beef and chicken in today’s Nordic diet are fine – since you may have some trouble hunting down moose or seal.

 – Learn to say “fuck off” to refined grains and breads. Unlike the Mediterranean diet, the Norse diet doesn’t really involve pastas or other kinds of processed carbs. You can have things like rye bread or homemade crackers – the point is to avoid too much sugar or salt.

 – Exercise is a huge part of this, so get your ass to the gym. The Nordic betches of old were usually hunting, foraging, acting as shield maidens, or tending farms. Today, many Nordic people bike to work, walk a ton, or just generally get outside.

 – This is a super seasonal diet, which is kind of helpful come winter when we can’t buy super fresh produce that isn’t from Mexico. There’s a lot of focus on green leafy veggies (kale, spinach) and root vegetables (potatoes, beets, carrots) to help fill you up.

 – Cut back on dairy, up the fish, and cut down the meat. Eat vegetable and fish meals twice or more per week; limit meat like beef and chicken to three meals a week; and aim for six portions PER DAY of fruits and vegetables.

 – The key is that the food you’ll be eating is NATURALLY healthy so you don’t have to count calories, fucking duh.

 – A few examples: a great fucking Nordic breakfast would be Icelandic skyr (like thick Greek yogurt … try Siggi’s) or whole grain oatmeal with berries. A fabulous Viking lunch would be smoked salmon, a hard-boiled egg, and a piece of rye toast. Snacks should be a handful of berries, nuts, or vegetables. Dinner could be a kale salad alongside roasted chicken with rutabaga.

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