How To: Drink Like a Betch and Not Gain Weight

Every betch works extremely hard during the day trying to figure out ways to not do work, which entitles us to at least a couple of happy hours a week. BUT, after years of practice – and research – we’ve learned how to do it right and not turn happy hour into sloppy vom in your hair drunk mess hour.

Drinking too much at happy hour will almost always make the 25th hour a living hell. We know exactly how it goes: You’ll want to lie in bed all day pounding carbs or fried food while watching #65 Sex and the City reruns. All the while, the absolute farthest thing from your mind is #118 working out. Trust us, it’s the typical booze-binge/food-binge cycle that’s held us all captive at one time or another. Sipping a pretty cocktail and flirting with a sexy Wall Street bro may be a thrill, but the after-effects of going overboard at the bar are anything but. Not only is excessive boozing bad for our dignity, it can wreak havoc on our health, beauty and waistlines.

We see these four alcohol-induced crimes too many times to count so we’re here to let you in on our skinny little secrets for mastering happy hour and ditching sloppy beer bellies and head-pounding hangovers for good.

What You're Doing Wrong

Pounding Shots = Putting On Pounds

Studies show when you have a mixed cocktail, you burn less fat. To be exact, you may reduce your fat burning abilities by up to 73%! Since most cocktails have at least one shot of alcohol, you’re stalling fat burning more and more with every round; proof that it’s not just beer that leads to beer bellies, betches. If you’re hitting up multiple happy hours every week know this: Excessive drinking increases cortisol levels, aka stress hormones, which can lead to weight gain.

The buzz is fun; the belly is not.

Blacking Out = Forgetting H2O

Alcohol is a diuretic, meaning it causes our bodies to lose water. Obviously this can lead to dehydration, which is often mistaken for hunger (aka drunk eating). So if you’re not drinking enough water, your inner crap craving bitch will be out in full force. Don’t let that bitch come out. Not-so-fun fact: dehydration dries out your skin and dilates blood vessels, which is why heavy drinkers often have red, flushed faces. Over time, these blood vessels can become permanently damaged, leading to red, blotchy skin. Gross.

Rosy cheeks are cute; booze-induced ruddy cheeks are not.

Drunk Munchies & Bar Food Regrets

After a few drinks, things always get a little hazy, particularly in the food choice department. Inhibitions are majorly down, which usually leads to mindless overeating of whatever food is within striking distance. Anything and everything looks good when you’re three sheets to the wind. Things you would never touch sober suddenly become irresistible and urgently necessary. This scenario sounds eerily similar to our choices in men after a few too many drinks as well.

Drinking too much will make you fat; eating too much afterwards will make you fatter.

Eating Less To Hasten The Buzz

Who hasn’t skipped dinner on a big party night in hopes of getting drunk faster? Alcohol does reach your bloodstream faster if you don’t drink before you eat BUT it ends up totally backfiring. Not only will you slow your metabolism by skipping meals or eating too little, odds are you’ll end up with a raging case of drunk munchies by the end of the night… and the drunk mess cycle begins.

Skipping meals before you drink is dumb; Skipping shots after midnight is less dumb.

The Fix

Special Order

Just like you order your salad with dressing on the side, don’t be shy about asking the bartender to mix up exactly what you want.
Some mixers that won’t pack on the pounds include:
Diet soda: 0 calories
Seltzer: 0 calories
Fruit juice: ½ cup has about 60 calories (not to be confused with cranberry juice cocktail)
Lemon or Lime Juice: 0 calories
FYI: Tonic and seltzer are NOT the same thing! Tonic has 125 calories per cup, seltzer has zero.

Milk It

Just as you might milk a rich bro for all he’s worth, do the same with your spirits. Sticking to fewer drinks per night isn’t hard if you make it last. Take classy sips out of long straws and alternate alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks. One of our tricks is to sip on sparkling water with lime between cocktails to save on calories and stop dehydration from sucking the life out of our skin.  

Healthy Happy Hour Munchies

Snacks that stay in your stomach longer will help prevent you from gorging yourself once you get your buzz on. We love cocktail nuts; it doesn’t take many to satisfy (less than a handful), yet they help keep us from losing control at the bar – and pizza – later. If you’re sake bombing, grab a handful or two of edamame, it’s the perfect combo of fiber and protein. Trust us, sports bars DO have healthy options. It’s just a matter of making them. Healthy happy hour appetizers include: hummus and veggies (skip the pita), steamed edamame, and sirloin sliders (have them naked aka skip the bun).

Remember betches, when in doubt your go to drink should be vodka, club soda and lime. And make a goal before you go out: tell yourself you'll have 3 to 4 and don't go over. This way you at the end of the night you won't be the drunk bitch passed out in the corner and instead you'll be the betch who just gave her number to like 3 to 4 really hot analysts from like, 1 to 2 really big banks. 

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