Let’s be honest, Christmas has really lost its charm. Ever since we became aware of the undeniable truth that no amount of gifts or gift cards will ever satisfy our aching souls, there just doesn’t seem like there’s much point to it anymore.
Because everything we want, you can’t give us. All the things we yearn for can’t be wrapped. And this year, we really don’t need another Anthropologie bathrobe. We need a f*cking boyfriend.
You heard me, Mom. I don’t want another pair of Christmas socks or another sweater from J. Crew. I don’t care about scented body scrubs and two free manicures. I don’t need a new bed spread and plates for a kitchen I’m not cooking in.
I need a man to blow my mind and a suppressed appetite to fit into those jeans you should have bought me instead.
I need a job that I don’t have to leave my bed for and a credit card that doesn’t come with a bill at the end of the month; I need a body like Angelina Jolie’s and a husband like Brad; I need calories that actually don’t count and a cocktail that doesn’t make me throw up at the company Christmas party.
So this year, instead of pretending to wish for all the useless crap you could just buy yourself tomorrow, let’s be real and say what we really want. Let’s stop asking for scented candles, overpriced scarves and designer bags to fill the void… because it’s not helping.
Let’s put it all out there and admit to ourselves, and the rest of the world, that we want some pretty heavy sh*t this Christmas.
1. Our 12-year-old metabolism.
2. A Tinder for men who want relationships.
3. Kim Kardashian’s ass.
4. A real money tree, not the bullsh*t fake one people keep on their desks.
5. Our parents’ approval.
6. Unlimited hours to watch every Netflix documentary we want.
7. Three more years in our 20s.
8. Alcohol that doesn’t make us text our ex-boyfriends.
9. Completely undeserved holiday bonuses.
10. A tan that doesn’t come with cancer.
11. Validation from that bitch in high school.
12. Over 200 “likes” on an Instagram picture.
13. Sloppy texts from an ex.
14. An end to all catcalling.
15. Periods without cramps. Forever.
16. A boy with tattoos whom my parents will love.
17. Coconut water that doesn’t make you gag.
18. A cute dog that doesn’t need to be walked.
19. The ability to lose weight from eating cake.
20. An engagement ring minus the commitment.
21. No more email subscriptions.
22. Someone’s HBO Go password.
23. The perfect haircut.
24. A massage without any expectation of reciprocation.
24. The ability to switch between having and not having bangs whenever you want.
25. To sing like Billie Holiday.
26. McDonald’s with no guilt.
27. Someone to call my grandmother for me.
28. Permanent removal of all unwanted hair.
29. Liposuction without the shame, recovery time… and cost.
30. A Twitter following like Amanda Bynes without the crazy.
31. The closet of Carrie Bradshaw.
32. An office bed.
33. A man who loves going down.
34. Unlimited days for travel.
35. Bottomless brunch every day.
36. The ability to listen to Justin Bieber without shame.
37. A good prenup.
38. One week where calories just don’t count.
39. Cheese that doesn’t go to our ass (unless it’s making it like Kim’s).
40. All the avocados in the world.
41. A bottle of Cabernet that magically refills itself.
42. Mom’s home cooking without having to go home for it.
43. Salad that tastes like pizza.
44. Beyonce’s thighs.
45. Heels that feel like clouds.
46. No bathroom lines… ever.
47. Shampoo and conditioner that keep your hair clean and luxurious-looking for weeks.
48. Permanent eyeliner.
49. Our best friend’s wardrobe.
50. A rent-free apartment in Manhattan.
51. A Ryan-Gosling-Joe-Manganiello-Billy-Crudup-Taylor-Kitsch breed of man to knock on my door and ravage my body then change my lightbulbs and make me pizza.