11 Things You Will Learn If You Have A Vegan For A Best Friend
They are lovely and wonderful people, however, working around their restrictions can turn you into a total stress bag.
1. You will start poring over ingredients as if they were scripture
You have to check and double check everything. Did you hide the honey? Does this vegan care about honey? What about horse hooves? They put that stuff in everything.
2. You will have a boatload of stress added to every social event
Weddings, funerals etc. are stressful enough, but now you have to worry if your friend is going to pass out on the dance floor due to the fact that nothing you served was edible.
3. You will learn to have endless patience
New vegans are like born agains and they needed to be treated as such. They are very excited about the commitment they have made and want to talk about literally nothing else. It can be a tad tedious. Hopefully in a month or so they will outgrow their new vegan status.
4. You will be constantly worried about their health
The dirty little secret about vegans is that MANY a majority of them eat as crappy as any ominivore. For every kale smoothie there is the vegan that subsists on potatoes and fried Chik-patties.
5. You will be forced to deal with the terror of childhood vegetables
Eggplant. Cauliflower. All your old enemies reassembled to battle with you once again. Yes, one of your magical vegan friends might make these horror foods palatable, but for the most part they are as bad as you remember. One does not eat purple.
6. However, you will learn that they also hate salad
It’s not a meal. It’s a punishment. You are making everyone unhappy!
7. And secretly, a majority of Vegans are good cooks
Long before Whole Foods roamed the earth, Vegans had to fend for themselves using nothing but their brains and ingenuity. Chances are a Vegan is more likely to be able to whip up something incredible from the six things remaining in the fridge than you yourself.
8. You will constantly have to sample fake meats or substitutes
You’re going to have to learn to be tough and break some hearts. No, it doesn’t taste like bacon. That isn’t roughly close to mayo. And seriously, most of the stuff you eat tastes like cardboad
9. You will realize that most Vegans are normal accepting people
The chances are that if you have a “good” Vegan friend, they are going to excuse your screwing up and occasionally serving them something they can’t eat. This is turn multiplies your guilt 1000%. Good on vegans though for overcoming their uptight image.
10. Except when they are not
Jerk vegans still exist. They will food shame you. Drop this vegan as soon as possible.
11. You will come to grips with your own personal shame
Look, there is something incredibly galling about someone having the willpower to completely change their life, give up cheese and make healthy choices while you still like going to Wendy’s. It’s a tiny dark coal of envy that is going to cling to you for the rest of your life. Well, until you have another piece of Brie.